Very mixed feelings.
I dunno why I can't take initiative to do ....tons of things. I don't understand why must I be so dependent on others' company. I don't understand why I can't live the most of my life. I don't know why must I hesitate for everything I do. Is all these inborn, or issit some kind of conditioned reflex again, i.e. all because of past experiences and failures?
Just had this thought after reading my SC's president's blog. It just reminded me how stupid I felt after hesitating for the OBS Korea trip, and maybe in addition the Maldives one which was like 2 months ago.
At least at this particular moment, I don't think I'm enjoying anything, except Orientation 1. Maybe my mood and attitude then was different from now. I don't know how much effort I'm gonna put in for my Squash. Coz I need some achievement and encourgement to motivate myself, it just works that way. And the exco speech is around the corner, and I'm really clueless of what to say. The post I wanted to run for, treasurer, is like the most popular one. Quite a number wanted that too. And I can tell I can't get that post, coz I'm like the only one w/o any sports experience. So the probability is rather low. Haiz. See how.
Plus, more girls are joining squash loh. Damn. Hate their faces coz they'll diao you and giv u this black face. Man.
I feel more shitty as I read that blog. I start to think about why I didn't get into NYGH 4 years ago. Blame it on my low IQ and stupidity. I kind of envy ppl from there, and I really got the urge to go to a girls' school now. Haiz. But there's no more chance now. BUt entering AH isn't a bad thing afterall.
Got to overcome all these problems. It just makes me a weaker person, somehow.
And I really think I'm quite useless coz I can't really achieve anything, can't even gain the trust of some ppl.
And academic wise, needless to say, it's horrible.