i dont want to remind myself what's the date today. how horrible to tell yourself that there's 4 more days to your common tests and you havent finish a single subj?!
i'm saying all these and yet i'm slacking in front of this tempting comp. bleahz.
mixed feelings. i've got to admit i feel shitty today coz i've got lots of thoughts in my mind. all the unnecessary ones that disturbed me, when i shld be 100% focused on those stupid lecture notes and revision guides and blah blah blah.
but well, when i think of what i told hannie last night cheers me up, coz i made her smile! hee. many times i've tried to reply that letter and find myself giving up after writing halfway coz i dunno what i'm writing. heee. but i really wanted to make her feel better, that's all. well, i did! cheer her up a little. that's an accomplishment, coz i think i suck at comforting people. talking rubbish really helps. and all the childish thoughts from me. heeee.
but what's on my mind is....haiz. i dunno what to say. once again, my relationships with people and the state i'm in now. i dunno whether what i'm doing now is good for me, my future etc. i'm learning to be tolerant, to suppress my feelings, to stop myself getting jealous/envious about others. i'm learning to be contented with what i've got, to think that i'm not that bad either. i'm trying to think positively, to the extent that i think i'm cheating my own feelings. How many times i've slapped myself to wake myself up, to make sure that i dont sink into depression, to make sure i smile and make myself and others happy. i dont mind being a clown, i just dont want myself to be upset, coz i dunno what foolish thoughts i have in my mind.
am i deceiving myself again and again?
i think i'm a pampered kid. far too pampered. i want others to do things for me, to sacrifice for me, but have i sacrificed for them? have i ever did things willingly for them? it's unfair for them, i know yet i do nth. i know it's unfair for him coz i keep picking on him, finding faults and all that. it's not like i'm perfect. but why he can learn to accept my faults and i cant? i hate my jealousy. why am i jealous abt everything? i know i wasnt the ideal girl, but did i do anything? i didnt. i just lost my temper and well, that's what i'm good at. how childish can i be? and i hate myself coz i'm not committed fully to this relationship. i never pay attention to so many things. i used to be very observant and sensitive to others' needs. i used to know how they feel even if they didnt say it out. and well now...it's like i dont giv a damn. i choose to be indifferent. how horrible can i be?
i'm really puzzled. coz i dunno how i feel, what i'm thinking.
maybe i look back too much, i refuse to face reality, refuse to look forward and forget about the damn past. i shld be thankful that i have a wonderful past to look back. but well, history dosent repeat itself. otherwise it wont be called history. but well, maybe it's the withdrawal symptoms of not attending school. i miss my friends, coz they make my day. we talk crap and all that and now i'm left all alone, in front of this comp. i just want someone to talk to? coz talknig rubbish stops me from thinking all these complicated stuff.
and well, i think i suck at sports. i dunno why am i in squash. wrong cca. i dunno a single thing abt the game, coz i dont play mind games with people. i dun see a point to cheat them and make them run about in the court, and u urself looking at them running and feel so contented. maybe because i cant do it so i'm making it sound so mean. sometimes, i dunno whether i've made the correct choice, to choose sth you are interested in rather than sth you excel in.
argh. it's going to be 11 and i havent start revision.
i'm too engrossed to make myself happy and i forgot all about my sec sch friends. when is the last time i've contacted them? sorry...[i'm good at saying this.]