omg. i think i'm on adrenaline high (dunno whether there's such a term), esp after my gp paper. esp at night, omg, i'm so hyper and chatting with so many ppl on msn. haaa. actually forgot what to type to each one of them. haa.
ok. speaking of that evil gp paper, i'm gonna screw the essay up again and fail for the 3rd consecutive time this year! yay! (ok, seriously, i've gone haywire. can ignore me) i didnt even know what i was writing about initially. "science and technology has created the illusion that we are in control of our destiny. comment" i keep reading through the question, tried to do socratic questioning which nair probably will accuse me of not doing.i kept thinking like, am i suppose to say why we think we are in control of our destiny or rather how has science and tech made us have such an illusion or rather issit really science and tech that created this illusion or sth else? omg. i made myself so confused that in the end, my essay was on one main point. the point about the achievements and technological advances have made the impossible possible and we feel that we are able to change anything according to our needs and desires. think it's a total flunk. went out of point la. and it's all repetition. like one paragraph i talk abt space science, then abt medical science and another useless paragraph that summarises both but sadly wasnt the conclusion. i think my balance was the most sensible paragraph of all! i was so shocked to hear the 'last twelve minutes' coz i was still at my 2nd page?! i really wanted to die man. i think my promo essay is the best i've ever written, and history will never ever repeat itself again. how sad.
oh, anyway, it was the only one that i understood so dont ask me why i chose such a difficult thing to write.
when i stepped out of the hall, i saw waiteng! haaa. so i complained the entire thing to her and i keep telling her i wanna die. haa. thankx for listening to me rant. haa. ok, i was quite pissed off with myself then and i nearly broke into tears. but no way, i wont cry in public, neither will i cry coz compre's coming up too! another killer for me. hmm. talking to waiteng makes me feel that i've never talked to her fo quite some time. ever since trainings ended? i think i've never told her my carze over derrick yet!!! haa, but derrick's like out already. i miss squash, but after prelims i'm going to play tennis with waiteng and maybe drag her to run with me too. haa. omg. i really miss her, why do i feel this way when we go to the same school every weekday?!
ok. compre wasnt that bad, considering i've been totally traumatised by my essay. so i was quite numbed by the compre. didnt bother to do newSTEED, just underline which ever line i felt like underlining. that's quite dumb. ignore me. and woo hoo, for once i understood what it was trying to talk about. afterall i understadn straits times articles more than anything else. at least their language is abt my standard just that they have more sophisticated words and is better at structure. look at mine! but still tahnkx to waiteng, she reminded me to plan my aq, so i did, and for once, my aq sounds coherent and my ideas are flowing. cool. and vocab was simpler than the usual ones we do. one of the words were actually scoundrel and i got this strong urge to write 'basturd' , with someone else in mind. but upon thinking, think basturb is like a vulgarity so i just wrote bad person. i actually forgot the word jerk! bleahx.
after gp, had swedish meatballs with minghui. omg, so damn full. shld not have stuffed all the potatoes in first. yes, we were talking abt the same old 'basturd' again about his attention seeking ideas. sore loser. i hate you i hate you i think you suck coz you arent behaving like a gentleman. like trying to win a girls' heart in this way? i think you suck and you suck and you really do. shit i ran out of vocab. trying to act like you are the victim when you are not. stop deceiving us la, we have eyes and we can see. but anyway, hi, sore loser!
returned to school to mug, i'm really stressed by what i've read. studying alone is productive, but i wish i had white chocolate latte beside me too, like sunday. :) haa. but i cant afford having that everyday, i'll be BROKE. i almost finished the tj paper, didnt know how to do some in betwen. but it's quite nice studying alone. i dont mind company too!
oh, then psc sent me this letter yesterday, to notify me that i can start applying for my scholarship. omg, it gave me the sudden urge to apply. i thought i gave up on the idea of scholarships long agO?! i know where i stand, i dont hold the leadership positions that they are looking out for, i dont have any remarkable achievements in both academic or non-academic areas, i cant make it for the results, so why shld i ever apply? but well, it was the stupid 3 letters, 'MOH'. the desire to study dietetics and speech thearapy is back again! (ok, must be thinking why i like such courses when it has nth to do with my present subj combi. seriously i like bio, but i cant score. coz i hate memorising all the facts and repeating them all back to the paper too. and i admit it was a big mistake choosing this combi, but i guess, it's the best for me) so i kept thinking about the problem, whether i should giv it a try. it's ok if i fail, who knows anyway,the papers are not going to publish it. afterall i'm not like pinning high hopes on this so i wont be utterly disappointed. i know my competitors are pros from rj and hwa chong, so i don tmind losing to them. but i'm just afraid what if i qualify. means i have to leave my friends and family here and just go off just to pursue what i like. it's like a struggle between ur interest and the things you have to face in life. i dont want to leave my friends, i depend on them, though i'm not like very very clsoe to them, they have much closer friends than me. i dont bear to just leave them and start life afresh overseas. neither will i bear to leave my faily. i'm like the only child, the only entertainment provider in the family, though my father doesnt really appreciate my efforts. nvm. if i leave, who's going to look after these 2 poor souls? they always run out of topics to talk about, and yes, they have VERY different interests and if i leave, my mum will never stay at home. (she told me before she stayed at home coz she wanna accompany me. so sweet.) she will be off to all her opera singing stuffs and my dad will be yah, sticking himself to the com, coz i wont be there to fight with him. haha. they dont communicate la. ok, and i'm resistant to changes. i cant adapt quickly! urgh! hate it man. i cant imagine if i return to s'pore and the environment changed, the people changed, i am sure to feel damn pathetic coz i'm the ass that havent changed at all.
so i thought, maybe it isnt that bad to stay here and study psychology. yah, i still get to help people out there, though not in terms of how they speak or what they eat. this time round, more cheem, how they think. whahaahah. and many graduates in s'pore still get to earn a living. so it wont be too bad if i study in local unis yah? i'm qutie confused myself too. what shld i choose, and it's not like my academic results will definitely allow me have a place in these universities.. bleahx.