(the paragraphs below are how i feel. u can disagree and shoot me, but i hope u understand k? thankx. can giv me advice too :))
it's me again. as usual, i love to kick up a big fuss. even out of sth that is so trivial.
maybe i was in this BIG dilemma, of whether to patch up or just continue this breakup. i dare to say i didnt bear to let this relationship go, and just say bye bye to all the effort i've put in these 17 months. yet, on the other hand, i didnt wanna patch up, coz i cant foresee what problems will arise in the future, and i'm really too tired to face it anymore. i'm jaded. maybe i'm a scorpio, that's why i wanna defend myself so that i wont get hurt again. all relationships started well, with all the promises and everything, but ppl change, characters change. and all the promises were broken.
i'm not blaming anything or anyone. maybe one can say that i can find another guy who could give me a sense of assurance nx time. but well, at that moment, he can, but who knows after that? seriously speaking, i've lost confidence in such things again. maybe the media has portrayed it too ideally, and making me feel that my relationship is full of flaws. i yearn for a perfect one, i'm greedy, but reality doesnt grant me.
yupx. i kicked up a big fuss. and these few days i've been contradicting myself and making both parties confused and exhausted. i was thinking maybe it's the dilemma, and i'm not taking a stand. i still want the care, though i know i'm not supposed to have it anymore.
like just now, i know he was with that girl. even though i was so unhappy and angry about it, i know i shld be calm or sth. at least keep the anguish to myself. but i didnt, i allowed the anger to take control of me, i stupidly went to call and well, it spoilt everything because of my bloody temper. the girl was beside him and she must be thinking i'm emotionally unstable. and she wanted to talk to me. but sadly, at the point of time, i was too angry to hear any explanations. i'm stubborn, and i'm horrible.
i know i'm doing the wrong thing. i shld hav made my choice clear and all these confusions would not hav arisen. now, the situaion is terribly complicated. like sometimes, we are ok, and sometimes we are not. (as usual) i think the prob lies with me, i cant control my temper and i dunno what had gone into me that made this change.
but well, this thing seems so familiar. like it happened a year plus ago, when we just started? that time, the person wanted to talk to me too? or maybe she just made herself invisible so that there'll be less problems? forgot too. but i knew i cried terribly. from these girls, i see what i've lacked, what a horrible character i have. they have an open heart, willing to share their views and hope to get my understanding. yet, i'm such a selfish ass who's so unwilling to listen. maybe this brought all the change in me, i dont call this stubborness, coz stubborness may sound positive sometimes.
i'm possessive. and selfish. why cant i just accept them coz they dun post any harm to me at all? why must i always think in the negative side that they are baddies and get rid of them? i hav an extreme thinking, and i've gotta cure it asap.