so sorry havent been updating for ages. not because i'm mugging, but i'm always in my world of maple story and yah, msn chats, and the root of the entire prob is - i'm lazy.
well, as i've promised myself. i'm supposed to start work officially on the 18th. apparently i didnt, well, i love prorastinating. i did maths for like 5 days. and it's only 2 papers. i'm like freaking slow. the snail would have conquered 10km given the same time. i couldnt concentrate. i wouldnt blame my friends for tempting me into maple almost everyday but it's me! i lack self discipline. i tried studying outside, but hell, i ended up eating or shopping. my brain is programmed in the wrong manner. it keeps thinking prelims = A levels. so end of prelims = end of A levels. like WRONG!!!
read xiaohui's entry. it reminded me of what jason told me on thurs during the useless gp lecture. (serious. it's useless, unless u sit at the first row which will then force u to listen. otherwise, you'll heck coz it's more like private tuition between nair and jurja. the others are damn extra.) he said sth like there's no family warmth(i bet there's no such term but i hope you understand) in my family. that statement startled me a little. i've never realised that, probably coz i've been trying to feel contented for what i have. i forgot what we were talking abt, but i was telling him that i dont talk to my father and he doesnt talk to me either and we ignored each others' presence. sometimes i hate him coz he keep talking bad behind my back, and he always give me a damn pissed look when i use the com or watch tv, and he discourages me more than anybody else.
as far as i could recall, when i got back my PSLE, my parents were shocked that i could get 200 and above. they keep telling me i will end up in east view sec, that gangster school next to my house. that hurt me a little. well, the funny thing is that, my dad kind of despised me when i end up in ahs, he kept comparing me with rgs and dhs ppl and concluded that i will lose out to them forever. but well, i know why he did so, coz he expected me to end up in nanyang, but i didnt, i was short of 3 pts.
well, i worked hard for my lower sec days, probably because i was competitve and i didnt want to lose out to those ppl. yes, miraculously, i topped maths mid yr in sec 2, i was pretty proud of it, but hell, i got mocked in the end. no encouragement, nth. that's when i distant myself from him. initially coz i was scared of him, but well, it turned into indifference. then upper sec, i played alot, whether it's band or class or whatsoever. had my principles. i thought, i am studying for the sake of my future and not to outwin those people. why make myself end up mugging? enjoy life when i can. well, though i didnt ace my studies in upper sec, but i daresay it's the happiest period of my life. but that's when he didnt speak to me much, probably because he didnt have much control over me anymore. he only cared about grades. and when i said i wanted to go nj, he shook his head in disgust. he said i couldnt even make it to jc, i shldnt even aim so high. my mum only discouraged me from entering nj because it's too far away. but too bad, i'm wilful. i'm stubborn. choosing this place over vj tj when they are obviously better choices. then again, i proved him wrong.
now As, as much as i hate it, i have to agree with him that i may not make it to uni. my laziness, always going out and not studying. it's like 16 days left yet my revision is so little. i really hope i can finish all the subjects, esp physics. i suck at it. and yes, gp. i doubt i'll pass. my language is horrible, and content is based on luck. transposition is based on luck too, whether the words can come easily that day. i really want to prove him wrong again. though i'm not as farsighted as some out there, who intend to apply overseas uni, who are confident that they'll make it to overseas uni, i just wish i can enter local unis, and hopefully not end up in maths or physics or engineering faculties. it's suicidal.
well, mum tries to brainwash me every now and then that my dad dotes on me, but i always refute and list all the examples. sometimes, i feel the love. sometimes i dont. i dont like that feeling. i wish he's those who can show it out, but obviously he is not that type. he's damn inert. hopefully, i can put in the effort and show him the concern, in the wish that the hatred can be converted into a more positive feeling.
why has our relationship turned out to be like this? he used to help me draw for my art folios every year, and i still kept the mickey mouse one, he taught me cycling, swimming, surfing the net (haha. remembered i could only use an hr per week and i spent it all on finding winnie the pooh pictures. dumb) he taught me quadratic equations in sec 1 (before anyone learnt that. i thought he was damn kiasu), forced me to do assessments, and our weekly mcdonalds' happy meals when i accompanied him to work in the past. i always picked the pickle from my cheeseburger and stuffed into his. our relationship soured as time past. but dont worry, it'll turn better when we are in hk. we are like loners. no one listens to him and i dont talk to my relatives so both of use end up talking to one another. but when we are in singapore, it's totally opposite. and then it repeats itself again.
it's my fault too. i'm not family-orientated(blah. think this term doesnt exist too.) and if you look at this perspective, jason is absolutely correct. and the reason that i thought my family is a pretty good one, because i only think of my mum. she's the one who listens, who plays with me. can talk crap together and come out with lame jokes and see who is the ultimate winner. somehow, along the way, i've forgotten that i have 2 parents. i blame myself for all these. destiny is always in my hands, and what is happening now is because of all my horrible actions.
shall update soon