sorry to those i had shown that not-very-enthusiastic face, and partially ignoring whatever you are saying.
i'm not angry, neither am i buay-song-ing you. (rahhh, my english is deteriorating)
i have no idea how my mechanism works, but there are just moments like these.
sorry!
p.s. minghui i miss you! it's so hard to get a time when we can have lunch together! rahhhh.
[edit]
oh i just reformatted my com. so the power bug is GONE for good. at this late hour i'm waiting to download language packs and other little components to make my com back to normal again.
this is really the toughest period of my life. not the challenges i have to face, but the drastic emotional changes, the politics i have to understand, and understanding the life i am living. so many times, i smile for the sake of smiling, complain for the sake of complaining. too much backstabbing going on and i've lost track of whom to confide in, whom to believe in. a person whom you regard as a friend may just happily bitch about you behind your back, and still smile at you and still engage in nice conversations.
is it just me being f***king sensitive or is this a norm?
in this environment, i have to behave in a certain manner. no flaring up, no revealing of negative emotions. coz it will create a big wooha which i never wanted. accepting all sorts of criticisms even if it really hurts inside. i'm tired of this facade. yet, i'm so accustomed to this way of life that i cant revert back to the old self.
i dont blame others for not being able to understand me because ever since that particular day i've stopped opening up. maybe you know my inner self by all these entries, which i've never talked about in real life. i wish i had this person whom i can call to when i need a talk, but i consider too many things and ultimately, keeping all these to myself would be a better option.
i feel super screwed up because somehow i feel that this is not the healthy way. i've tried, i've failed and i gave up.
(and in case you are thinking that i'm doing this for sympathy, i'm not.)
yes, i'm cynical, skeptical.