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Thursday, March 15, 2007


thankyou futsal log team!

yups.
amillionthankyous!

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it is that feeling where people around you move so fast, you can't quite catch up. that you've made future plans, considering future plans that somehow i have no part in. that things are spinning, too fast paced. no time to sit down and think.

and a bit of isolation starts to creep in, a bit of realization that i'm perhaps drifting away. that people have found close bunches of friends and good friends but i'm here wondering still where i quite fit in. yes i have good friends that i can set a date with. i'm not quite sure of what i mean to my friends.

i do believe i am good company but not the extent that they would confide in me, not to the extend that we can share all our thoughts and the little things and burdens that pain us. perhaps it is because i hold my problems to myself too, too close to my heart that i refuse to share it and rather carry it alone than to show how things have hurt me and have broken me inside.
.
.
.

strangely, i think i have grown to become insecure about some little things. like how i see my good friends, old friends, new friends the way they bloom into lovely and perfect young women, so sure of what they want in the future, equipped with a wholesome bunch of friends and perhaps even new found love, a blazing future that lies ahead.

then i start to wonder about myself. when do i bloom into a pretty, lovely perfect young woman, sure of what i want in the future, equipped with a strong support of friends,family and the academic ability and intelligence to make it in this world? what chances do i stand against others who are already blooming, in their full bloom, shining so blindingly bright? and this is where i start to feel inadequate and uncomfortable, for i am not sure where i stand, what is ahead, what to expect.

sometimes i feel like i'm looking for something that's impossible to find. i'm looking for a place, a person, something that remains unchanging throughout everything that changes. that provides me with a secret security, that no matter whatever happens, i will be held tight and will be safe. that if anything goes wrong, it/he/she/something will make it turn out always right. it is a hard thing to find perhaps even impossible. but just because it is impossible doesn't mean i stop looking out for it, doesn't mean i stop searching for it.

totally plagarism. but same sentiments.

there were times i thought i've found it, but it went away, silently. just like that.
i wish i could be better with words.

Ytienkwan waved at 12:27 am