rants (in the middle of the night)
it's 12:12am, 6hours18minutes to wake-up time.
and again, sadness just struck me while i sit in front of my altar in pgp, all alone.
i just feel like saying a million things. a billion or even a zillion things that's going through my head at the moment now.
many times i know i'm avoiding. i use my so-called bitchy-ness or even this false front that i'm putting on as a cover up for many things. my low self-esteem, low self-confidence and alot of things. everytime i read hj's (and even many others') blogs, i feel it straight. i sense this part of me mocking at my laziness, my stupidity and all. i keep having the same os everytime, "if only i were smarter.", "if only i worked hard for my As", "if only i paid attention", "if only i had seized the chance", "if only i was more friendly to people", "if only i wasnt so antisocial" etc. yes, even me myself know that it's too late to say all these nonsense and just move on with whatever i have now. but i just do it, i dont know why.
i always hesitate, i always have reservations, i always doubt.
i remember there was a time i think everyone hates me.
even now, this thought haunts me, occasionally.
but i chose to hide and look as if i'm really alright.
and thus, i've got so used to hiding that sometimes, i dont really know how i feel, deep inside.
i realized i've became really emotionless as time goes by.
numbed, stoned, i dont really know.
it was friday's talk that shook me. i had the worse cry ever since oweek ended. i guess i've bottled up all the frustations for so long, there was a point i just broke down. i'm really angry with myself, angry that i've never grown over the years. i really want to grow up, to be really mature, independent and all.
after 20 years, i'm still so unsure of what i really want. what i'm really thinking. everytime, i just use "i don't know" as a freaking excuse so that i need not use my brain.
i hate it. my brain hasnt been processing ever since A levels. i've been smoking my way through university, many times i feel like dropping out of school because i know the effort i'm putting in for my academic work is not worth the $3000 odd school fees that daddy's paying. i dont want to waste his money.
many many many other things.
i know i'm very incoherent now.
i despise myself, because i cant excel in anything. sports, music, drawing, writing, nothing i can really do well.
i hate myself, because i'm getting more indifferent towards people. or rather, i cant express my concern sometimes. i just look at them from afar, and my mind was totally blank. and worse, i can relate better to this blogger.com than to a person. what has happened to me?